Punishing Myself for my Perpetrator’s Crimes?
*** This blog may be difficult at times. Please be gentle when reading ***
I have hated myself for years – the shame of “allowing” myself to be abused was too intense – Not only didn’t I deserve love, but I deserved to be punished…
How could I punish myself?
I didn’t have my own room, my own space or anywhere I could go where I could do this properly. I was too scared of my mom to do anything that would be visible so the damage had to be internal or invisible.
And so a new game in my life started. I was to steal a few seconds when no one was looking and punish myself.
In the kitchen, I used to put my hands on the hot pan to cause pain but without any burn marks.
I used a kitchen knife to see how far I could poke my skin without creating any blood evidence.
I used nails to dig into my body and see how far I could go.
I started skipping meals.
It felt good to punish myself but it wasn’t enough. I needed to find more severe ways…
I condemned myself to a life of loneliness. Not only was I not to have a partner but I also didn’t deserve to have any friends.
I don’t know what I did exactly but I know that in the school and the college, whenever I went and joined a group of mates, they dispersed as quickly as I joined them. I was one of those weirdos that no one liked talking to.
I was convinced that this pattern was to continue so I had to learn to enjoy my loneliness. I didn’t deserve to hang out and have fun with my friends so I had to learn to do things on my own and that’s exactly what I did. Instead of asking anyone to join me, I just did things on my own. The sooner I got used to it, the better my life would be.
During all these years while I hated myself, I loved my abuser. Strange thing to say, isn’t it?
To this day, I don’t understand but I wanted to be close to him. So I tried to find ways to be with him alone; I always remembered and wished him well when it was his birthday…
Maybe, he would restart to confide in me… Maybe, I would be important once again…
That never happened but I felt bound to him so I continued to be friends and continued to hate myself.
My life turned around when I attended an AsiaWorks course over a period of 4 months. It was one of those experiential self-development courses. I had never done anything like this before. It was life-changing; I really got the emotional shit beaten out of me… I cried, I banged the chair in sheer frustration and agony and I felt an emotional death that is hard to describe…
When I finally came to the other side, I realized that I couldn’t free myself until I broke the ties with him. The only way to do this was to meet him and talk to him… This was a scary idea.
Somehow the universe reorganised itself and I had an opportunity to spend some time with him.
I arrived at his place; felt weird being there. He was polite and courteous and went out of his way to make sure I was OK. I had never spoken to him overtly before this moment so I didn’t even know if he knew that I knew… We both pretended that everything was ok and that I was really just there to meet him and say hello…
Sleeping in the same house as he was strange… I couldn’t relax. I don’t know whether he slept or not… I also didn’t know how I was going to bring up the topic. I asked the invisible forces for some help. I really didn’t know how I was going to do this all by myself.
Next day, we were in the car and talking about general things. I remember I said something about my childhood in a very indirect sort of way…
He said that those were the darkest alleys of his life that he never wishes to visit again…
Finally, a form of acknowledgement!!
The moment was profound. I realised that I hadn’t done anything wrong; there was no reason to punish myself; I was innocent and pure.
In that moment, I became a free woman. I was no longer tied to him.
Previously, I wasn’t able to reflect on his actions but now I could. My last blog Looking inside the mind of my perpetrators? was a result of the reflections and my journey once I was able to free myself of him.
Having trained myself for years to be alone and punishing myself is still a pattern that shows up from time to time but thankfully, I am surrounded by therapists, friends, and lovers who care and help me come back to owning my power.
Life simply never ceases to amaze me…
Tillie Bright
October 14, 2017 @ 10:53 am
Hi Ruby,
Many many years ago ? Use to cut and burn my seĺf. I was tthat much into self punishment for the crime of being a victi,.. 23 years ago now. Since that time of my life..
Ruby Usman
October 14, 2017 @ 11:56 am
Thank you, Tillie for sharing. It must not have been easy… It frustrates me sometimes how much pain we survivor carry and what we do to release the pain… Here is to hoping that we can all heal together so we don’t have to live through pain alone..